On Being a Wallflower

There are many things I say but never do
and many things I tell others to do but never do myself.
This is the nonsense I hear myself tell my children:

"never go to bed angry"
"if something is bothering you, speak up"
"if someone talks down to you speak up and defend yourself"
"communicate how you feel, don't keep it inside"

I hear myself, but not listening.

As my 40th birthday approaches in 3 days. These are the life lessons I am making sense of.

I have been holding in some unhealthy emotions

 now I am learning to let go

Autumn gives me a sense of renewal, change and reflection.
The move to this new place is a chance to start new and face the nonsense.

Being a wallflower most of my life I tend to observe life but not actually live it.

Uncomfortable in large groups of people and crowds.
Taking a long time to try something new.
Starting something and never finishing it.
Shy away from small talk to meet new people.
Never secure in my own parenting skills.
Afraid of confrontation with loved ones.

So this is me.

I have found solace and peace in unlikely places.

I am in constant repair but still fine being a wallflower.

I am a wallflower
growing stronger roots
facing the sun

~Adrienne Rich

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